Why I drink Mtn Dew

Why I drink Mtn Dew!

No sir! I will have a Dew. You ask me to recant, to stand aside and live with something else? I know sir, I know that I have not aged gracefully and yes, yes sir I know I may never snowboard again, and helicopters scare me. Those blades sir! That is the dragon, it is the demon that stalks the desert, it has quiet sentinels, and these sentinels pave the way for its terror. UNMITIGATED TERROR SIR! Sir, this fear is only natural for a man of my age and my stature. I am frail and the night is long, too long sir. It is only natural to crave, to desire a relic of youth. The Dew shines bright but holds no reflection. Do you see the appeal there sir? If you stare in to the abyss and it stares back with God’s holy light, then why deny it? There is no competition! It stands alone, sir. It truly is a tonic! Ambrosia, sir!

There is a darkness in me and I have seen it. The Dew has seen it as well, sir. It is a chalky plague that runs through my blood and lives in the back of my throat. The darkness is reasonable sir, and I would not have you judge it because of its nature. We can only be what God damned us to be. This darkness, the misery that lives in my throat only wants the one thing: God’s holy light. There is only one place to find this light. It is lemon lime and sublime. Vaguely citrus with unspeakable power. It is the only light I can hold, and I will grasp to it and nuzzle my face against it while I stare deep in to its luster and ignore the engulfing darkness.